all the fic I wanted to write but didn't

Sam is watching porn

He's a bit shifty about it. Sam is awkward about porn, he doesn't watch it with pride like Dean does. Always feels, even though his bedroom door is closed, that someone's going to jump out at him and bust him.

The fact that he's watching gay porn doesn't help.

Why is he watching gay porn? Because sometimes he does that.

Sam's taken to watching a bit of gay porn to relax and get off lately. Anyway, he's on a redtube-type site. Free porn, no subscription or signup. Lots of bad quality clips of full length films and amateur porn.

With great trepidation, he clicks on something titled 'Barely Legal Creampie' or some shit. And it's the creampie, rather than the barely legal, that makes him click.

And he's watching. He can't see either of their faces at first, it's just a clip and it goes straight into cock-in-ass, perhaps the moment of penetration, some fucking, then cuts to the come-shot, at which point the top whips off the condom and sprays all over the bottom's ass, at which point you pan up to see both their faces. (and it's not actually creampie, because there's no actual come-in-ass, but mistagging ftw)

Sam doesn't even see the top's face, all he can focus on is the far-too-familiar face of the bottom.

It's Dean.

Upon realising that it's Dean in this vid, Sam leaps back from the computer, slams down the lid, and then looks around him because he feels extra dirty now, he's just seen his big brother, at a very young age, getting fucked in the ass by a much older man.

He's freaked, doesn't know what to do with himself. There are instincts, as if he's witnessing or just witnessed Dean being hurt or tortured, his fingers itch to reach for a weapon so he can kill the monster.

But there's no monster. This all happened about 20 years ago, and there's no proof or reason to believe whatsoever that it was against Dean's will, in fact, the noises the bottom was making in the vid were all good noises.

Once he catches his breath and forces his heart to stop trying to leap right out of his chest, Sam opens the laptop, closes the browser window, and wipes his browsing history.

Sam can't stop thinking about his hot twink big bro

He feels wicked dirty, because he gets hard when he thinks about the clip, like, he can't stop thinking about that one, even though it's no different from any other gay porn clip, this one sticks in his head. He can't close his eyes without thinking about it.

He tries to go about his day, and there's no current job, he's cataloguing or looking for jobs to get his mind off of it, but actually, it's kinda good that he isn't forced to be in too close quarters with Dean right now, because OMG, yes, 20 years older, but he's seen his brother get fucked. He finds jobs for himself to do like cleaning up the dungeon or the storage rooms or something.

And lots of wondering about what was going on in Dean's life--in their life--when Dean did porn, what drove him to it, if he's done other porn... And he finds himself looking for it on the internet but he finds nothing. He watches some other porn, but it doesn't do it for him, now he needs Dean-porn to jerk off to and he's sick, and twisted, and horrified at himself.

Sam is wicked awkward around Dean

Every time Sam crosses paths with Dean he's all stammery and yanks his hand back if they touch and can't meet Dean's eyes. Mostly, it's in the kitchen, or eating in the library, and he makes tracks as soon as possible. He realises that Dean's going to notice, but every time Sam looks at Dean he sees him getting fucked in the ass and hears the sex noises and how did he not recognise his brother's voice?

And he finds his eyes lingering on Dean's backside, imagining it bare and covered in come. And that's when he has to run away.

Dean confronts Sam

Sam's been acting weird and shifty for days, and Dean finally confronts him over it. Turns out Sam's been watching gay porn and saw the vid Dean did when he was 18.

It's very awkward, like, first, Sam has to admit that he's been watching gay porn, maybe he 'stumbled' across some gay porn and Dean's like, dude, that's some wicked specific stumbling, yo.

Dean explains why he did porn

Dean's never been ashamed of doing porn (canonically, he idolises porn stars as artists), but he never wanted 14yo Sam to know just how dire it got for them back then.

he would have been barely legal and it coincides with that time when Sam was 14 and Dad disappeared for so long that they'd pretty much given him up for dead.

Dean explains the situation, remember the time they were stuck in California and Dad was awol, for, like, months, and Dean said he'd hustled pool for the cash to get the bus to Sioux Falls?

Yeah. He wasn't hustling pool.

"Twenty years later, I thought I was home free, you know? Should have known it would come back to bite me in the ass eventually."

The Video

It was the 90's, 1997 to be specific, and this was a straight to video kind of deal. It wasn't meant for the internet at all, and so Dean had none of the kind of worries that you'd have now. This is the kind of video in seedy sex shops or in the restricted section of the video store. Hell, DVD's weren't even common then.

Anyway, Dean all but forgot about it over the years, until he wandered into a sex shop a couple years ago and found the vid (now converted to DVD and in the 'classics' section or the bargain box, for, I dunno, $5 or something), and bought it.

It never occurred to Dean at the time that it might end up on the internet, but once he found the DVD, he kind of realized that it might be a distinct possibility, but it wasn't worth worrying about now. It was so long ago, anyone he ran into these days likely wouldn't recognize him in it, and those he knows well enough that they would, well, he's pretty damn sure none of them would be looking for gay porn anyway.

Famous last words.

Dean and Sam rib each other

Sam ribs Dean on how incredibly twinky he was back then, and they marvel about how they're both not opposed to doing guys, but have never talked about it. And then the awkwardness of Sam now having seen Dean having sex.

"You watch gay porn, Sammy?"

"You did gay porn, Dean?"

"Touche."

"So, before you realized it was me, it turned you on, didn't it, Sammy? You were getting off on my barely legal ass, weren't you?"

"Shut up, Dean."

Dean watches the full version

Dean goes to his room and pulls the vid up on his computer, and he watches it for the millionth time. He gets off on the regular watching himself get fucked by a dude, that, oddly, strongly resembles the man Sam grew up to be.